Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Losing Family (and other updates)

On Wednesday, February 22nd there was an accident and my uncle was put on life support.

I don't have a relationship with my dads family. Up until the 23rd I hadn't spoken to my dad in years. We've had a strained relationship pretty much since I was conceived. It's no secret that I have spent a good part of my life hating him. Being angry that he left. Angry that he wanted nothing to do with me. Angry that he made a new family and loved them more. That anger turned to relief (selfishly) when his actions became known and he was arrested for incredibly disgusting acts. I don't feel that it's my place to go further than that.

I felt so ashamed that he's my father. I hated looking in the mirror because I see him.

I really do feel he regrets the things he's done, but that doesn't change it. What he did was unforgivable. However, I have found myself trying to forgive. Trying to mend what has been broken for 27 years.

When my dad flew into town to be there when my uncle was taken off life support, there was a tremendous amount of healing. I can't forget the bad stuff he did. I can't forget all he did to me. What I can do is try to move past that part of my life and open a new chapter. The other chapters will still be there, but hopefully the new one will have much more of an impact in my life than the old.

We are (slowly) trying to establish a relationship again. He lives about 1500 miles away which makes it easier for both of us. We text about once a week and for now, that's great. I don't know what, if anything, will come of this, but for now I'm trying. That's all that matters.

I went to the OB a few weeks ago for an annual exam and we were discussing the very prevalent occurrences of cancer in my family. She suggested I be tested for a gene mutation to see if I'm genetically at an increased risk for breast or uterine cancer. If I test positive, it will be recommended that I have a total hysterectomy and a double mastectomy before I'm 35.


That is so much to process. I don't even know where to begin.

I thought about it for a few weeks and decided that I need to know. I can't even imagine the emotional and physical torment that will come from that diagnosis and surgery, but I know that regardless of how I feel, my priority in life is my children and I will do everything I can to make sure I'm on this earth with them as long as possible.

Yesterday I went in and had it done. I should have results in 1-2 weeks. Regardless of the outcome, I am being watched closer because of the cancer in the family. I have to start having mammograms every year, as well as the usual physical exam.

While at the initial OB appointment, I was also diagnosed with a heart murmur. I've been putting the appointment off, but my midwife is urging me to have an echo to make sure my heart function is ok. I've had some bouts of breathlessness, dizziness, heart palpitations, etc. so it's not the type of murmur that causes no symptoms. I'm not saying it's serious, but it's made itself known so I should probably have it checked out.

So there we are. It's weird being on the receiving end of all the invasive healthcare. Usually I'm blogging about my kids going through this. Now that it's me, it's scary in a totally different way.

My stress levels are insanely high and I just don't know how to calm down. Ah, the plight of a busy mother!

I'm registering Dade for kindergarten on Friday. Where did the time go? I just had the little stinker and now he's getting ready to go to school. Honestly, I'm only like 8% sad. The other 92% is doing the happy jig!! He is so much easier to handle when he's had time to get away and interact with kids his own age.

Emmett will also be starting preschool after we get back from Disneyland, since his 3rd birthday will fall during that vacation. So for a couple hours a day, it will just be little Orson and I.

We're excited for summer. We're anticipating cooking out on the grill on our giant deck, going to Lagoon, A week in Lake Powell, the Zoo, the aquarium, 4 days in Disneyland, lots of swimming and tons of play time outside!

Justin and I are going to Atlanta for 5 days (4 nights) in May. Justin is going for a work conference and I'm tagging along. Long days of shopping, manicures, swimming and reading! I can't wait for the break!

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