Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The results

During dades echo I watched his heart. Telling myself "his aorta looks great" and "wow! What beautiful pulmonary arteries!" But I couldn't look at that pulmonary valve and not worry. It appeared, to this totally unqualified mother, that the leaflet on the right was sticking. It appeared to be opening only slightly. Of course I was panicking inside.

The limited echo took 45 minutes and we were taken to the room for an EKG. While we waited for Dr. Gray I focused on the scripture Luke 22:42.

42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

When Dr. Gray came in, he assured us immediately that everything was fine. In fact, it was better than fine. As far as defects go, his is the best it could be. Practically good as new. We have a follow up echo in 3 years and if all is well with that, he doesn't go back until he starts high school! How amazing is that????

As we celebrated this good news, and pondered our blessings, and spread the good news I was bombarded with "thank heaven for answered prayers!" "Heavenly Father healed him" etc. now, don't get me wrong...I love hearing those things. But. It got me to thinking...if something doesn't turn out how we want it to; if Dades echo had show his pulmonary valve was trashed and it needed to be replaced...does that mean Heavenly Father ignored me?

Living in this CHD world I have seen amazing blessings and miracles. I've also witnessed tragedy. Parents who prayed, pleaded, begged on knees to have their child healed, only to lose them all too soon. To me, it seems like people believe that if that happens Heavenly Father wasnt listening, or chose to place that burden. I know they mean well...but it has been bothering me more and more.

I've found myself more aware of the things that come from my mouth. I have found myself praying for patience and understanding. For the ability to truly trust in The Lord. To trust His will. If We had been told Dade was sick and needed intervention, I wouldn't have turned my back, feeling angry and betrayed (as some of my dear friends have, because I really think they believe that because their child died, Heavenly Father wasnt interested in blessing the with the miracle they wanted) i would have said "ok this isnt cool, but show me what you would have me learn. Help me to accept this. Help me to see the good from this. Help me to know how to handle this trial"

I certainly didnt have this point of view years ago (as past readers surely remember!) but I think that the trials I've endured with my children have helped me grow spiritually. At the time it was the worst thing in the world. Heart baby...preemie, nicu, hernia, another heart baby, brain cysts, seizures, and breath holding spells. My children have definitely not been easy...but in all of those trials, in all of that pain, I grew from a bitter, angry "you didnt give me a perfect baby so you hate me" person to someone who is capable of more love, compassion, concern, devotion, and acceptance than I ever thought I could be. I know had it not been for these trials I wouldn't have found this path...or it would have taken me many years to find it.

I'm so not perfect. I'm the biggest sinner out there! So please don't mistake this post for anything other than a personal revelation. I'm not high and mighty. Just low and humble and incredibly grateful for the way Heavenly Father has blessed me --even though it hasn't always been "ideal".

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