I awoke to deep, looming clouds and freezing rain pounding on my window. The weather was reflecting my mood. The time is here.
I have tried for weeks to put it out of my mind. To pretend its not happening. No matter what I do today, I can't push this aside anymore. The time is here.
It has been so long, I've forgotten the strain on my emotions. I had forgotten what it feels to worry endlessly about this child. When given his clean bill of health, I set these emotions aside and moved on. Now it's like I'm being smacked in the face with this old, raw fear. The time is here.
I look at this perfect child, Who is so full of life and love. Who has a hilarious personality. Who has the most tender heart and fiesty spirit. I can't believe we are back here again. It seems so unfair. The time is here.
I am painfully aware that our situation is so minor compared to some friends around us. But for us...its not minor. For us, this IS a big deal. When the world lost sweet Kylie, I knew how blessed we truly were, even in the midst of our own trials. Her passing made me realize that life is so fragile. From the minor to the severe, our children don't deserve this life. They don't deserve to have a cardiologist who knows them so well. They don't deserve to have to be poked, prodded, x rayed, covered in stickers that take off a layer of skin when they come off. It's not fair. How I wish I could take his place. The time is here.
My sweetheart, Dade is having an echo tomorrow morning at primary children's medical center.
The last couple of months his hands have been dusky. He won't eat; losing close to 10 pounds in just a couple of months. He doesn't sleep much. He has energy, but its short lived. 2 weeks ago we were standing in line, waiting to be seated at a restaurant for dinner. I looked down to Dade, who was staring past me, short of breath. I asked him what was wrong and he looked to me and said "my heart feels funny" his hands were blue, he was covered in a cold sweat. I placed my hand over his precious heart and it was beating so hard. My heart shattered the moment my palm rested on his.
Our appointment was scheduled in February, so this waiting has been difficult. I have immersed myself in prayer. I have poured my soul to Heavenly Father. Not just to heal my child, but to bless me with the strength I desperately need. I know He will carry out His will. He may heal Dade forever, He may leave us with this trial forever. I did something I haven't ever really known how to do before. I prayed for understanding His will.
I have learned that praying for healing, and not getting it in the way we want leads to feelings of anger and abandonment. It leads to unholy thoughts and feelings. But understanding that there is a purpose to this chaos is a far greater blessing than just getting what I want.
The other night, Justin and I were reading our scriptures and as we read of Alma in the Book of Mormon, a scripture touched my heart and filled my eyes with tears. Not because I felt that everything would be perfect at this appointment, but that regardless of what we find out tomorrow, Heavenly Father will be there with us.
" 3 And now, O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day." (Book of Mormon, Alma, Chapter 36)